It was inevitable.
Someday those words..."Mommy, Why?" would grow to encompass one of the hardest questions Chad and I could have to answer.
"Why don't I have brothers and sisters like all my friends?"
It was bound to be a part of the journey. But it wasn't a concern of today; it was a worry- and a hope- of tomorrow.
But tomorrow never came. And yet came all too soon.
For six years, Chad and I tried to replicate the miracle of Caleb's creation:
We waited.
And prayed.
And relaxed.
And hoped.
We planned.
And dreamed.
And surrendered
And then began all over again.
We tried to convince ourselves that we were fine with not having any more children.
That our family was complete.
But we, and everyone who truly knew us, could hear and see the lie.
We wanted another child so badly.
And yet, to admit that to anyone- especially ourselves- felt so selfish.
Didn't God already answer our prayers? Didn't our greatest dream come true? Didn't we have the fullness of the experience we never thought would be possible? How could we long for more, when we had already been blessed with so much more than so many others who we met along our painful journey through infertility?
And so, with these thoughts, softened by the deepest joy imaginable in raising our amazing son, five years passed in the blink of an eye.
In March of last year, I totally remember my attitude...because it was
not.
good.
I was turning 35 and as every woman knows, this meant I had one singular thought fixated in my mind: my biological clock had officially begun ticking.
At this point, I have to give a huge shout-out to Chad because he really is the most amazing husband in the world. While I'm sure there are a million great things he could have done, Chad chose to do the one thing that I couldn't bring myself to do: HE made an appointment with my OBGYN.
Let me just say that one more time y'all- Chad made the appointment.
And honestly, it is that very act that led here, to where we are today. Because I believe that it was at that decision, and every one that followed, that God, and God alone was completely in control.
From Chad...
So, I made the appointment because I couldn't completely understand this mysterious 35 year old concept of my wife's body all of a sudden becoming a hazard because it was a day older than it was on her birthday.
We went to the doctor, mainly because I knew there would be one of two answers....One being, Nicole..you are 35, the age wizards have taken your body to a different land, and there is no way in the world you should try to continue to have a baby......Answer two was going to be...Nicole...it's a number...there may be slightly higher risks, but there isn't a clock ticking inside with an alarm that starts sounding at 35... keep trying.
Luckily, answer number 2 was the one we got. I will say Nicole's doctor made a more profound impact on our lives than he will probably ever understand. He sat there, talked about the risks...talked about how women have babies all the time over the age of 35. He was able to set her mind at ease.
Stopping there would have been enough, because it convinced us that our dream of having a brother or sister for Caleb didn't have to be over.
But, he continued.
He took it upon himself to perform several in-office procedures that probably should have had considerable expense, just as a regular office checkup to try to give us a better chance.
He wanted to help us.
We both have had nice doctors in the past that wanted us to "feel" better when we were sick....but this one was different.
He wanted to truly help us.
Unfortunately, after several months, still no luck, but we weren't ready to give up.
During this time, Nicole found a lump in her breast, which fast forward turned out to be ok. But, out of precaution during her going through tests, we stepped away until we knew she was in the clear.
That break led through another month...and through another month...and through another month....Life kicked in, and we kind of checked out. I think the feeling of defeat may have been setting in well before this time; we just couldn't realize it because we had a doctor that, for all intents and purposes, was trying to be Superman.
So.....we stopped going....
And then out of the blue, Doc contacted her to see how things were going.
It was at that time that we started talking about going back to an infertility clinic to see what our options were. We couldn't ask for more from Nicole's doctor, but the light that, at one point, was burning pretty bright at the end of the tunnel, had gone dark again.
Unfortunately, the journey has been so up and down for us; it doesn't take much to feel that hope zapped out of us. Nicole wrote a note (or small essay) to her doctor explaining that we wanted to check in with a fertility doctor, and asking if he had any recommendations.
After several days, he responded with an incredibly kind letter, recommending a doctor that he had known for many years, and who he really believed could help us.
So we called...
And found that the doctor that was recommended was about a month out for appointments....
The other doc in the practice had something within 2 weeks.
Thankfully, for one of the few times in life, I was able to override the "we have to do this now, at whatever it costs, and if we're told no, then find a way to get around it because it has to happen now" Nicole.
We waited for the doctor that was recommended.
A whole month....
In impatient Nicole years, this must have felt like an eternity....but the appointment finally came...
From Nicole...
So we got there and I was ready. Ok, more than ready. I was busting at the seams to get going with whatever the next step would be.
Because here we were: with this doctor...who we waited for OVER a month to see...who had been personally recommended to us by one of the kindest, most selfless men we have ever had the pleasure to meet... So what could possibly change the course of action now...?
Oh, hello God!
To describe the experience of that appointment is honestly impossible. Here we were, sitting across from this doctor who specializes in reproductive medicine, and he led with talking about his faith.
He shared his heart for his ministry work in Haiti. He talked to us about that point when medical explanations end- and God's control steps in.
He talked to us about Caleb. By name. With true wonder in his eyes.
Because it's true. On paper, Caleb was an impossibility.
Caleb really is our miracle.
Then he took me down a road that was really hard. He talked with me about my fears.
Why was that magical number 35+ so concerning to me??
I sat for several moments...and then I began talking...and crying. Chad said he was shocked that I had held it together for that long. I was a rambling, incoherent mess.
But it was a release that I needed. That deep down I wanted.
You know those feelings we all have? The ones we're ashamed of but for the life of us, we can't shake? The thoughts that go through our mind but we never, ever want to say out loud because they admit our brokenness and imperfection?
Well, I went there.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and spoke the truth that only God had known until that moment:
I'm afraid.
Regardless of how much, or how little, the risks have increased with my age, the very thought of them-- all of them-- scares me to death.
And yet, at that very moment that I owned all that I am not, God, in His amazing grace, reminded me of who I am:
For some reason that I have never understood, I have always been drawn to, and held an innate, deep connection with, kids- who have been through terrible things, who have suffered tremendous losses, and who hurt in profound ways. My heart understands them. And the walls that they often put up, that seem so impenetrable to others, respond in very much the same way that I do to them:
Unconsciously, willingly, trustingly... fully.
And there it was. The moment that I just knew. It was absolutely amazing- beyond words.
But the best part was, I looked over at my husband and I knew, without a shadow of a doubt- that God had spoken to Chad too.
From Chad...
The two of us have God moments together, but this one was different. We both knew that the plan God had crafted in front of us for the past month of waiting....the past year of hoping...the past 6 years of trying, was for our family to grow through
Adoption.
We wanted our family to grow. Caleb wanted a sibling. This was it. This was what God had been painting. For the past few years, the thought of adoption was tough for me...How could I love another child like I do Caleb...A very selfish heart was broken down. The feeling of doubt melted away, and I knew this was it.
We told our parents. Sometimes you wonder...."how will they react?"...If we had any doubt, we were wrong. Unending, unconditional love and support...and a little bit of..."what took you so long?"
So the next step in the journey began. If you think your legs are tired now, buckle up for the next few laps. We knew without a shadow of a doubt that we wanted to adopt from the foster system. Bring a child into a loving home, and give them a life that they deserve.
How hard could that be...right??
All the time you hear stories of there being too many foster children, and not enough families. Well.....here we go.
From Nicole...
So when God says "Go." I go. I don't stop and ask for directions. I don't pay attention to speed limits. I drive. Full steam ahead.
I become blind and deaf to all around me...including the One who directed me Himself....until I see the blinking lights...hear the siren...and begrudgingly pull over.
I've heard so many times that the adoption world is much like a maze, and that couldn't be more true.
The day after God called us to adopt, I showed up at DSS with a great big smile on my face and a page full of questions. The woman who continually stamped papers, whilst I was sharing the deepest desires of my heart, was not impressed by my excitement at all.
And so, despite all initial calm and clarity, I immediately began to question if this was indeed the road we were intended to take.
After calling several different public agencies, the message seemed clear: what we thought was a pretty average request (a physically healthy child who is younger than our biological son) was a VERY tall order. "I think it might be best for you to just adopt a newborn" seemed to be the general consensus.
And so for a time, we reconsidered that as the road we would go down...
From Chad
We began by going back to the agency that we had previously worked with. They told us that they would honor the money that had been previously paid to them. That seemed huge. We could make a fresh start, with part of the financial burden of adoption covered....what more could we ask for....?
God stepped in again. No surprise.
Someone at church had just recently completed an out-of-state newborn adoption and had a great experience. Nicole was excited to hear her story and so she arranged a lunch for us to get together and learn more.
As we sat listening to a beautiful story...and watching a beautiful little boy with his beaming mom, something, again, just didn't feel right.
God felt really present and really clear about us working in foster. A domestic newborn adoption just wasn't sitting right...I'm not sure how, because we had the perfect example of God's love sitting in front of us.
We left our lunch....both of us looked at each other thinking....what now...neither of us thought this felt right. Is this adoption plan a complete dead end? Are we that wrong????
Luckily...Nicole doesn't give up. She gave one more call to another agency that looked like they did foster adoptions.
And with patience, education, and love- they helped us formulate a plan for how we can answer God's call.
This IS what God wants...
We are sitting here in 2016, a happy family...A 6 year old miracle, two little devoted dogs with love and licks abound, a safe house, a huge support system, and a loving God that has said:
It's time.
Its time to open your door and welcome in another of my children. He spoke clearly. Despite the roadblocks, when God speaks clearly, He is going to eventually open the right door.
We have submitted paperwork to start the licensing process to be a foster family. Our direction is to grow our family through foster adoption. Whether that is a little boy or girl....or both. We know the road may be rough at times, but nothing has been more clear. We're not sure just yet what twists or turns lie ahead, but the car is gassed up and ready to run.
Sometimes, just like little toddlers, we don't know the answers to why things happen. God does, but the best we can do is to try and make them up.
We've been asking for years:"Father, why us?"
Why have we had so many ups and downs? So many dark holes that we've ended up in.... But now we know....and we are excited beyond belief...
Thank God it's us!
